Rock, Meet Bottom

When talking about someone hitting rock bottom, I often heard people said that the only way to go is up.  But really? That only applies if you hit the lowest LOW, you know, one when you truly have nothing to lose, not just some obstacle or weird challenge, or a bizarre plot twist that come in your way.  And how did you know that you hit rock bottom, THE rock bottom?

I guess you truly hit rock bottom when you can feel the humiliation, the despair, anger, frustration, sadness, and fear all at the same that it becomes so unbearable your whole body are hurting.  It hurts so bad you think like jumping from 13th floor but then dying won’t help with anything, in fact it’ll make things messier and much more miserable.  I don’t want to die ugly and all chop suey.

You arrive at a point where you didn’t even care you can’t cry anymore.  You lose everything; your confidence, hope, dreams, motive and beliefs.  You’ll question everything and realize that nothing is working.  But the good thing about this is you can let go, either willingly or not because you have nothing to hold on to. You can start anew.  Or hiding under your blanket in your room, cursing nonstop.

They said when life gives you lemon, make lemonade.  That is assuming that life also gives you sugar, which is impossible when you hit rock bottom.  Unless you’re not cynical and all positive-vibe-thinking-kinda-person, maybe you think life will offer you lemon and sugar with ice when in reality the very fabric of your life is torn apart and upside down.  The very best thing you can get out of lemon is lemon juice.  Or perhaps next time when life gives you lemons squeeze them in peoples’ eyes.

Road Not Taken

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed - Ernest Hemingway.

So yeah I'm gonna quit my study and grab new opportunities.

My father once told me that the decision made when I'm 15 until early 30s will affect my whole life.  A simple yes or no answer to any opportunities or relationships will take me flying or sinking, for I am the designer of my own catastrophe.

Nevertheless I am happy that my parents support me.  My mother simply pat my head and said there will be hard times for me but they will pass.  It is very difficult letting go of my thesis, and embarrassing, really.  I don't think I'm ready to face just anyone and tell them that "I quit" and laugh.  Not yet.  I need time.  This is not something I can just brush off with a nod or smile or some gestures.  Wow I never realized that I care about what people say, or scared of society...

Anyhow I've been thinking abut this for months actually.  Did I make a wrong turn somewhere to arrive at this point?  Is it a right thing to do? But life doesn't stop for anybody, and lashing about it won't make anything better.  Dwelling in this any longer also won't help me progress.

I am saddened, frustrated and irritated with my own decision, but I have to stand on my own and take charge of my life.  My future as of now sure starts slow.  Still, I want to believe that there ought to be a future that I can choose.  Right?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a damn fool about it - W.C. Fields

It is good to have conviction and it is commendable to follow it through, but when it hinders you, isn't it good to try something new? - Sakata Gintoki

This is so much bitter than any heartbreak I've experienced.  They said heartbreak, but my whole body and mind hurts.  Okay gonna listen to Alana Grace now.  And Leona Lewis

Complaints

Living is hard. Well now is not my finest moment because I may regret posting this but darn it I hate this red tape and administration issues. I mean come on people, we all got our own work. Lif is hard on me, too but do you see or hear me complaining about it to every single person I bump into? You're just asking for this. Its been 3 weeks but my registration is not yet settled. And blaming game, here we go.

“Free will may be an illusion. I often think that.”

“If that’s true, life is pretty dark.” - Haruki Murakami. “1Q84.”